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Aw, man, that was my favorite cussword. April 14, 2008

Posted by phledge in fat, yellow bile.

In last post I brutalized a quasi-troll who purported that “fat causes global warming.”  Well, I called him/her/it a “cocksucker.”

On the way back to school from lunch I, for no apparent reason, looked at that word from a feminist perspective, and whoops.  Oh, man, not cool.  Because the inherent meaning—someone who engages in fellatio—implies that those who engage in such activity, usually a hetero or bi woman, or a gay or bi man, have something for which to be ashamed or apologetic.  Let me be the first to say that I am most definitely a cocksucker and I do not say that to spew TMI all over y’all, but it’s clear to me that I can no longer use that term in its deliciously accusatory form.

So, everyone, give me some good replacements.  I have absolutely no compunction about swearing but I have lots of issues with vilifying that which falls into the broad spectrum of human sexual expression.



1. Midsize Lurker - April 14, 2008

Variations on the A-word and the S-word don’t refer to sex acts, but they do promote bodily shame of a sort.

Hmm. I was just reminded of Kate Harding’s use of “douchehound.” Douche is a form of feminine hygiene that every medical practitioner in his or her right mind recommends against, because it kills all the good bacteria in your tunnel of love and leaves it vulnerable to yeast infections. It’s something that’s bad for women and deserves to be shamed. It’s a shaming of misguided harm of the body.

2. Caasana - April 14, 2008


Asshat is clearly using the ass as a hat, therefore head in ass.
Fuckshit is just combining two of the most forceful curse words and it feels so damn good to say. It can be used as a noun or simple expletive.

3. SmexyFatChick - April 14, 2008

i enjoy douchebag or asshat.

4. yellowhammer - April 14, 2008

douchebag or douchehound.

Melissa McEwan from Shakespeare’s Sister (now shakesville) has a GREAT explanation about why its acceptable to call people douches, douchebags or douchehounds.

5. Rachel - April 14, 2008

I third the use of ‘asshat.’ I am a big fan of calling someone ‘batshit insane.’ Both of these make me laugh on a regular basis.

6. Shinobi - April 14, 2008

I’ve invented a new one… Taint-scum. Y’know… the stuff that collects on the taints of the unwashed. (And everyone has a taint, so it’s totally gender neutral.)

7. juliafaye - April 14, 2008

Yellowhammer, do you have a link to Melissa’s post? I hate the term ‘douche’ as an insult, but if someone that cool says it’s okay … 🙂

8. Rachel - April 14, 2008

You can also combine swearwords with patronising orders: “Pull your head out of your ass”, “Stop being such a douchebag”, et cetera. What can they say back? “No, I won’t stop being a douchbag!”

9. phledge - April 14, 2008

Seconding Juliafaye’s request, Yellowhammer. Not that I don’t take your word for it but I’d like to hear her take on it.

10. Piffle - April 14, 2008

You could always call them a lily-livered lounge lizard. Or a pestiferous pustule. Or the bastard son/daughter of George Bush and Ann Coulter. Or a contemplator of their own colon. Or the rash left by stinging nettles on the backside of a rotting roadside possum (inspired by the two such rotting possums I saw today). Vermin is succinct. Varmit is another variation. Or such a sluggabed rat-slime your own mother ill-wished you in her womb. That might be a tad aggresively offensive though.

For gardeners, buttercup, dandelion, deer, slug, and rabbit are sufficiently ill-wished to express much displeasure.

11. taimatsu - April 14, 2008

Melissa’s explanation of the Shakesville usage of ‘douchebag’ and ‘douchehound’ can be found here.

12. Thorn - April 14, 2008

I’m partial to “shit-stain” myself. Utterly gender-neutral, and universally unwanted. 😀

13. Liz - April 14, 2008

Douchebag. Because it is a tool of The Patriarchy.

14. Twistie - April 14, 2008

I like to note when someone suffers from cranial rectosis…which is just a much more erudite way of saying ‘yo, you’ve got your head up your ass!’

Douchebag remains a favorite, as well.

15. Liz - April 14, 2008

Also, characters on Red Dwarf called each other “smeg head”. I like that.

16. Angie - April 14, 2008

Hmm… I’m going to maybe commit some copyright violation, but how about using Terrence and Philip’s insult: Uncle Fucker? (yeah, I love the South Park movie- the only film I know that could have you singing THE filthiest song ever written on your way to class.)

17. i_geek - April 14, 2008

Rachel: “You can also combine swearwords with patronising orders: “Pull your head out of your ass”, “Stop being such a douchebag”, et cetera. What can they say back? “No, I won’t stop being a douchbag!””

Hee. “Pull your head out of your ass.” “No! I don’t wanna! I like it there.” 😀

Fucknut seems to come out of my mouth more often than it probably should, along with asshat and jackhole. I really like cranial rectosis, though, and may need to add that to my vocabulary.

18. Twistie - April 14, 2008

Oh, and I’m also fond of the Red Dwarf all-purpose swearword ‘smeg.’

Smeghead, smegbreath, smeg-for-brains…there’s a variant for every occassion.

19. Midsize Lurker - April 14, 2008

I found this on Shakesville:

An explanation for the use of “douchebag” is provided. It’s more or less what I said: douching is bad for the female parts and deserves to be an insult.

20. littlem - April 14, 2008

I’ve been known to draw out the dry ridicule. To wit:

“Looks like your intellect is showing. Oh, my mistake — it appears to be your a**crack.”

21. Gg83 - April 14, 2008

juliafaye and phledge–

I’m not Yellowhammer, but I’m guessing that this is the comment being referred to. It’s similar to what Midsize Lurker said in the first comment.

Asshat is indeed a good insult/cussword. Git (with a hard G) is fun and makes you sound British, regardless of your actual origins. (And checking the thesaurus for “git” came up with such fun words as rotter, scumbag, stinker, stinkpot, and crumb.)

If you’re writing and needn’t worry overmuch about being concise, you can really reach as far down as you’d like. For instance: You filth that was cast out by bacteria colonies in an overused latrine, you pathetic, single-brain-celled…no, I’m sorry, quarter-brain-celled excuse for an anthropoid. You’re a dingleberry hanging from the arse of the human race.

The Princess Bride has some good ones–you warthog-faced buffoon, you miserable vomitous mass. So does Monty Python’s Argument sketch–You snotty-faced evil pan of droppings! Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous stuffy-nosed malodorous pervert!

Yeah, that was way too much fun. =)

22. yellowhammer - April 14, 2008

Follow the link provided by midsize lurker, and you’ll find this:

“Why do you use douchebag? Isn’t that sexist?

Actually, douching was a terribly anti-woman practice designed to make women feel ashamed about their natural body odor. Repeated douching can wash away the lining of the uterus, making it not just pointless but dangerous. So, when one needs a word to describe, say, our pointless and dangerous president, one would be hard-pressed to find a better word than douchebag.”
via shakesville.

And thanks to Midsize Lurker, because I didn’t know where I had read it, I just know that it existed.

23. mrs.millur - April 14, 2008

I like “Krillfucker”, for the way it rolls off the tongue.

It does, I suppose, “vilify that which falls into the broad spectrum of human sexual expression” but I’m hoping consider inter-species encounters outside our own phylum are at the very edges of ‘broad’.

Plus, ‘tiny penis’.

24. fillyjonk - April 14, 2008

I tend to call people jackalopes… comes from a friend’s variation on jackass (“jackalass”). I like it because it’s kind of languid — especially combined with how often I cuss at other stuff, it says “I’m so bored with you that you couldn’t even goad me into profanity.” Douchehound is great too. And I’m not above telling people to eat a bag of dicks, which I feel is functionally different from calling them cocksuckers, and it rolls off the tongue (ha) almost as well.

25. phledge - April 14, 2008

Oh, Mrs. Millur, by “broad spectrum of human sexual expression” I most certainly do mean “with consent deemed informed and age-appropriate according to the latest ethical/legal/psychosocial information available.” So, yes, krillfucker. Hmm. I like it.

I don’t much care for “tiny penis,” because, let’s face it, again this is an assessment based on the patriarchy’s insistence that “size is important.” Also, penises.

So along the lines of the douchebag concept, I could also call someone a feminine spray or a liposuction and that’d shut them up hard? 🙂

Y’all have given me some awesome ideas. Thanks!

26. wellroundedtype2 - April 14, 2008

Okay, so lately I’ve been saying fuck often (when I’m not in the presence of my 3-year-old) but generally, I try to steer clear of synonyms for stupid because I think that the intelligence of the person I’m angry at isn’t usually the issue — it’s a lack of basic respect and/or compassion that infuriates me. I tend to mutter “asshole” (accompanied by head shaking) but I know that it is problematic. I guess I think it sums up what I’m experiencing, basically, that the person I’m furious with is spewing excrement in my general direction (or everywhere). Giant asshole — as though they are 100% asshole — also generally works for me. I don’t have a problem with actual anuses (although anus is a good insult in my book, too), but if someone is all anus, all the time, that’s where it gets perturbing.

27. AnnieMcPhee - April 14, 2008

I like “bugfuck” but that’s more of an adjective than a noun. Oh well, I certainly perform fellatio but that doesn’t stop me calling someone a cocksucker. It’s just got a good (bad) sound to it. I guess motherfucker is out too? 😉

28. Sharl - April 14, 2008

I tend to use the ‘ass + insert insulting, or at least random, noun here’ formula. Of course, South Park’s ‘boner-biting bastard’ rolls off the tongue SO well… and there’s always ‘fucknut’. Gotta love ‘fucknut’.

29. Anna - April 15, 2008

Yeah, I have massive issues with cocksucker too. I tend to get especially furious when my boyfriend’s friends use it. I wish I had the guts to say “You think cock suckers are bad then? Hm.” or “It didn’t seem so bad last night” or some variation thereof.

I’m a fan of “douche” for the same reasons the first commentor was. It’s bad for woman and implies they are dirty somehow. Plus it has that awesome long “u” sound.

30. Godless Heathen - April 15, 2008

Dinkweasel, goatfucker, asshat, dumbshit, dickcheese, choad, fapwit uh…those are all the ones that are safe for the internets. Dinkweasel is still my favorite go-to because on the surface it seems family friendly. “G-d damn Alliance dinkweasels camping north of Southshore!” Fapwit is usually reserved for people who pollute the internets with stupid, trolls who jerk off to their own pathetic attempts at humor, satire or wit. “Why do I read the comments when I know it’s going to be a fapwit sausage fest?”

31. mrs.millur - April 15, 2008

I was unclear. “tinypenis” by itself is only appropriate the cuss-inspiring incident involves clear and direct overcompensation through high-powered machinery.

It is, however, based on the size of Krill, implied in “Krillfucker”

When my daughter is around, I tend to avoid the cusswords and go for an exaggerated teacher-voiced “that is not playing nicely with others”, or similar. And like the well-rounded mom above, try to avoid the intelligence slurs. Her presence does make expressing strong disapproval difficult- but more creative.

32. bigmovesbabe - April 15, 2008

Lately I’ve been thinking about some kind of formula, the way that you can come up with your stripper name by combining the name of your first pet with the name of the street you grew up on? Something like that, only more like swear+animal, like pig-fuck and shitdog, or swear+playground equipment, like fuckswing or shitslide. (Although looking at it, “fuckswing” should probably, or may already, be value-neutral slang for some kind of dungeon equipment.) I’d like to think that the combinations are worth running through, but I don’t use them on the fly that much, because I’m still getting comfortable with the concept. Backed into a bad corner and needing to pave the way out with cuss, I usually fall back on the old standards of asshat, fuckwad, motherfucker, and just plain shit.

Good on you for self-checking on the usage of cocksucking. ‘t would be a shame to lose that enjoyable act to the bad side of things.

33. deeleigh - April 15, 2008

Asshole is always a good insult, as wellroundedtype2 said. Also, there’s shithead – an oldy but goody. Excrement-based insults are both effective and equitable. Also, my husband suggests that if you use “cocksucker,” you can balance it out by also using “carpet muncher.”

34. Laura - April 15, 2008

I use Fucktard and Bitchfaucet a lot. Who knows though. They might be offensive in the same way as cocksucker. I hadn’t really thought about it. They just sound funny to me.

35. yellowhammer - April 15, 2008

I was actually thinking about this the other day, and IMHO, telling a man he must have a tiny penis is in the same family of insults as fat bitch.

“You must have a tiny penis and are compensating for it, that is why you think that way.”

“You must be a fat bitch, that is why you think that way.”

See what I’m saying?

Also, perhaps a reference to other useless and dangerous practices? Bleeding? Lobotomies?

36. ladykuri - April 15, 2008

Ahhh…creative cussing! I’d say my favorite would be the one my husband threw out to some idiot at Sprint- “you pompous parcel of equine excrement..” Delightfully dignified way of telling someone they’re full of shit, without any words that the then 3 year old shouldn’t repeat!

37. Evil Carbon - April 15, 2008

I apologize, fat cocksuckers cause global warming.

Global Warming Alarmists Beware… http://www.EvilCarbon.com

38. Piffle - April 15, 2008

I must pop up here and say that bleeding is actually the best treatment for people with hemachromatosis, a common genetic disease that results in overstorage of iron. If they don’t get bled they can destroy their livers, kidneys, pancreas and more. My FIL has it, and for a while we thought my husband did; but it turns out he’s just a carrier.

Candy-stealer? The implication should be that it’s from babies and the person is so incompetent that they can’t succeed against an older target.

Toad-eater is a great old-fashioned insult, meaning someone smarmy, an inept flatterer.

39. phledge - April 15, 2008

Laura: it was pointed out to me that any derivation of the word “retard,” (ie fucktard) does not consider the history of using “retard” as a slur against people who have developmental disorders. So that one’s out.

Evil Carbon? This has been real and everything. I’m pretty fucking amazed that found your way back, seeing as that you can’t find your ass with both hands. Ciao.

40. phledge - April 15, 2008

Piffle–I’m a little confused about your (very correct) commentary about hemochromatosis. Am I missing something? stupid for not noticing that “bleeding” had been a recommendation as “another behavior designed to hurt people, like a douche does.”

On the other hand, hey, I kind of like candy-stealer. You’re right: it’s perfectly descriptive of someone that can’t achieve anything by usual means. Brava!

41. cherikooka - April 15, 2008

My favorite….Asshead.

42. Catherine V - April 15, 2008

I love these alternative swearwords! Yep – the Red Dwalf smeggers are great, and don’t forget Bonehead (Rimmers nickname at school).
I use cretin, cretinous etc and I substitute the word shirt for shit so if something doesn’t work out at work, Shirt!! doesn’t raise eyebrows.

43. Miguelito - April 15, 2008

George Bush lover…
well, just and idea…

44. Miguelito - April 15, 2008

I mean, telling someone “You, George Bush lover”

45. Chloe - April 15, 2008

Lately, I’ve been using “douchenozzle” when referring to trolls. Particularly persistent ones get the moniker “cockwaffle”. And Evil Carbon? Choke on a bucket of cocks already.

46. wellroundedtype2 - April 15, 2008

Oooh, “cockwaffle” is good.
Personally, I don’t care for slugs (I know they are an important part of the ecosystem as decomposers and all, but, yuck) so maybe slugsucker would be a good substitute. I mean, sucking on slugs? Ewwwww.

47. bikemonkey - April 27, 2008

tucheslaker, fuckstain, and smeg snuggler. “krill fucker” made me laugh, thanks, y’all

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