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Confession. April 12, 2008

Posted by phledge in black bile, fat.
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I bought one of the “Fat Club” t-shirts from Shapely Prose…and I have yet to wear it.  I can tell myself that it’s because they drop the f-bomb on the back so it’s not school-proof but what really happens is that I pull out this shirt from my closet and I look at the front and I realize that this is still not what I want.  I do not want to be a member of this club.  I do not want to announce it to the rest of the world despite the obvious fact that I am, indeed, a member of this club.  I feel weird that I have contradictory feelings about my fat; I am neither “fur it nor agin’ it.”  Or maybe I am both fur it AND agin’ it.  Maybe something will change, maybe it won’t; but the shirt stays in the closet.  In other words, I’m not giving it up, but I’m not putting it on yet, either.  I thought I was stronger.

Update April 26:  I wore it!  I wore it to Starbucks and then out to the barn!  Woot!  Okay, well, it’s not that big a deal, I guess, since only one person in my circle of acquaintances got to see it, and I did have my super-duper long ponytail mostly covering the words on the back, but I’m still surprised that I was simply capable of such a thing.  Baby steps.

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Comments»

1. Bri - April 13, 2008

I have a Fat!So? shirt and I don’t think I have ever worn it out in public yet. I wear it at home all the time just not out… I feel weird about that.

2. AnnieMcPhee - April 13, 2008

Don’t feel bad about that. If you’re like me, you figure you might get laughed at right to your face is what. Which sometimes happens anyway but not that much, right?

3. K - April 13, 2008

I think sometimes that acceptance is about different things for each one of us. I am in the boat of trying to self-accept, and I couldn’t wear the t-shirt, although I LOUDLY applaud the folks who could. But, I also don’t wear the GOD shirt, or the heterosexual shirt or the…. I think when you wear the t-shirt you get called onto the mat about it. As this is still a baby growing blossoming thought for me, I feel like I need to hold it close and keep it safe. As it is a thought, like my faith, that will be part of me, part of the substance of the person I am building…I don’t know that I’ll ever feel the need to brand it. It will be a life force. And I hope someday that I am healthy enough in my head about it to shout. But, to tell the truth, I”m just not the shouting kind.

4. Rachel - April 13, 2008

I had a shirt once that read “Fuck your fascist beauty standards.” I loved the shirt but was always hesitant to wear it because it seemed like old people would stare at my chest with disapproving looks.

I probably wouldn’t wear a “Fat Club” t-shirt either – it just seems to me as if this shirt is inviting taunts and harassment. Others may see it differently, but I’m just not a fan of this particular shirt.

5. Meowser - April 13, 2008

I’m loath to wear message t-shirts of any kind these days. A lot of the time I’m just not up for being a troll magnet, or for getting into arguments with people. You BOUGHT the shirt, at least, that’s something.

6. sillyteengirl - April 13, 2008

*gives you cookie for having the guts to actually buy the shirt*
But still, I don’t blame you for being hesitant to wear it. I’m not obese, but if I was, I certainly wouldn’t ever wear a Fat Club shirt in public. I would feel terribly uncomfortable.

7. fillyjonk - April 13, 2008

I wouldn’t feel bad about this. As we’ve discussed a bunch of times on SP, nothing makes people feel more threatened and uncomfortable than the idea that a fat person might not be adequately self-loathing about it. Feeling that way alone is a radical act; going another step and announcing it to those who might react with anger goes above and beyond radical, and it’s something not everyone’s going to feel comfortable with. I do have a tough time when people sit by while someone spouts fatphobia (except in cases where that person has real power over them), but I think a movement can certainly get by with both in-your-face and out-of-your-face supporters.

8. phledge - April 13, 2008

FJ, did the money at least go to starving adipose aliens? 🙂

In all seriousness, that really does make me feel better, and gives me something to think about–that quite likely it is about my fear of confrontation, especially because I’m still in a tenuous place with my self-acceptance. There will be days where I could probably stand up for it, but most days it would be the catalyst for a sobbing reduction of fat parts, quivering on the floor. I’m not ready to experience the latter just because I feel like a chickenshit for not stepping up to the plate.

9. fillyjonk - April 14, 2008

Actually, so far the money has all gone to Cafepress! We haven’t made enough to get a check, and even when we do, it’ll be defraying the cost of keeping the store open. THEN to aliens.

10. peggynature - April 20, 2008

Once, when drunk or maybe coming off meds, which is much the same, I scrawled “FAT AND PROUD” in marker on my school backpack.

I felt kind of silly wearing it around, but it was my only backpack, so I just wore it, figuring that no one would even notice. But, wouldn’t you know, within less than a week, two or three college boys standing behind me in an elevator actually laughed out loud at me. I turned around gave them the Glare of the Century, but not long after that, I retired the backpack for a new one.

It takes some nerves of steel to wear something like that in public.

11. Krista - April 22, 2008

Coming in to the conversation late, but I do wear a T-shirt that says I (heart) Fat Chicks. I get interesting looks at times, but a lot of positive comments too. It has enabled me to start great conversations about body acceptance with folks.

Also, my 13 year old (and I asked him point blank) is OK being seen in public with me when I wear it. Will wonders ever cease.

12. Fatadelic - April 28, 2008

Wearing the shirt out was a bold political statement. Well done.


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