Sunday silliness. March 2, 2008Posted by phledge in fun.
Reasons why I feel weird about buying coffee at Starbucks:
I like to fuck with the baristas by asking for a “large” anything, as opposed to the “venti” they offer. Unfortunately, I started feeling bad for them because they really looked desperate sometimes, wishing I wasn’t the asshole who embarrassed them even more for the fake Italian foisted upon them by their bosses.
I enjoy their peppermint syrup and I’m too lazy to go find it myself, but their coffee tastes like buttholes and I wouldn’t drink it straight up if it was the only thing between me and a million dollars. Okay, well, maybe I would, but I would hold my nose. Their beans smell like skunk.
I don’t know any of the local yokel indie places around school and my home—-I’ve only been here for two years and I usually make my own coffee at home—-but I suspect that’s where I’d rather send my ducats. (Oh, look, a funny Italian joke.) If, however, I was in Reno, my hearthome, I would be hitting up Java Jungle every day.
I wonder how much time would be saved in industrialized nations if we didn’t have to use fourteen different words, all strung in a row, to tell someone what we’d like to drink. I also wonder how much money we would save if we realized that we’re being ripped off by spending five bucks on a fucking cup of coffee that, without the benefit of the 200 grams of sugar and 1/2 cup of dairy product that’s put into it, would taste like buttholes.
Don’t even try to tell me that there’s some sort of grand social responsibility thing going on there. If I knew that at least $4.50 of my $5 went to Lupe in Colombia or Elijah in Tanzania for their coffee-growing and -picking skills, that’d be a different story. And oh don’t get me started on the whole Ethos Water bullshit.
So there you have it. I was contemplating Starbucks and my navel in the car this morning on the way home from ritual practice, and you are now the lucky beneficiaries of my musings. Feel free to add your own interpretation of the Great Green Coffee Conglomerate and his consort, the Two-Tailed Mermaid of the Pacific Northwest.